The Unhealthy Lentil Recipe
(written on New Year’s Day, 2021)
Think of this recipe as a B.L.T. for lentils.
Note on Lentils: Early in Nineteen Seventy-Two, just outside Berkley California, a newly formed group of health food stores, Beatnik cafes, and a guy named Fred, formed an association called the “Food Association of Righteous Thinkers”; also know as, without irony, the acronym F.A.R.T. This highly self-esteemed association decreed, in their written constitution, on the summer solstice of that same year; “Sec 1. Para. 4: From this time henceforth, Lentils will be deemed Healthy, and will forever be viewed as healthy and virtuous, and thus they require no flavour to be deemed good”. (Of course, all being WASP’s from the suburbs, they were ignorant of the great lentil eating cultures of the world, such as India or Italy). And from that day forward Lentils were only to be appreciated for their utility and dietary function. But this flatulating declaration does not speak for all!
I view this recipe as a ‘reclaiming’ of lentils from the bulk bins of health food stores. Lentils are just as sinful as any other food when cooked properly, thus, as an act of defiance, we will cook and eat sinful lentils today! We may not be Rosa Parks, Gandhi, or Mandela, but we have a pot and a wooden spoon – and all those soft-bearded, ponytail-braiding, over-all loving hippies in health food stores will tremble.
(yes, I was raised in the seventies; I have issues, oh the issues I have….)
Lentils
2-3 cups of raw Dupuy or Brown Lentils
1 onion whole, peeled and cut in half
1 large carrot, peeled
3 cloves garlic
1 sprig rosemary
The Lentil Concoction
Cook Lentils from above (any religious joke will suffice at this moment)
1 medium onion finely diced
1 carrot peeled and diced small as you can. Just don’t OCD it.
175 grams approx. of good bacon, not too fatty, cut into small lardons ¼ inch squared
(if bacon is not an option, maybe some chopped chicken thighs or extra butter)
2 inches of leeks finally diced in a fine fashion.
3 tablespoons of Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1 tablespoon of saltless butter
Coarse salt
¼ cup of white wine, whatever you are drinking.
2 med tomatoes chopped, or small can of whole plum tomatoes.
Parmigiana Reggiano or Grana Padano cheese
Some roquette or arugula; depending on how you wish to call it.
Method: Cooking Lentils 101
Wash lentils in a sieve, check them for tiny stones, rinse once or twice, and place in a medium-sized pot. Cover with water, one finger length above the lentils (using your longest finger; measure them, you may be surprised)
Add the onion, carrot, garlic, and any other flavoring agent, e.g. bay leaves or thyme - in this case rosemary.
DO NOT ADD SALT!
Salt at this point keeps the lentils from softening. Why, I do not know exactly, ask someone with a science degree.
As the lentils come to a boil, a white scum will form on top (the scum always rises to the top unfortunately); remove it. Cook lentils until completely soft. You may need to add some water during this process, but by the time the lentils are cooked the water level should be reduced so the lentils appear soupy.
Lightly drain the excess liquid through a sieve and pour the lentils onto a baking sheet, or a platter, toss some sea salt and olive oil while they are still hot – constantly shuffling with a wooden spoon. Give it a moment, to allow the salt to be absorbed by the lentils, and then taste, add more salt if necessary; however, remember salt will be added in the final recipe. They will already taste great at this point (Do not eat them all). Remove the onion and carrot (the garlic will pretty much dissipate into the lentils).
One of the many tropes found in a kitchen is also true; “Seasoning is the first thing you learn as a cook and the last you master as a Chef”.
Lentil Concoction
In a medium pot add olive oil, butter, onions, leeks, and salt. Cook over medium to high heat, stir attentively, avoiding too much browning at this point. Once the onions start ot become translucent, then add carrots.
Cook another 4 minutes then add bacon. Stir with your wooden spoon, allow browning to begin; frequently scrape the bottom of the pot. All the goodness is always at the bottom (unfortunate as well). Allow for second slight crust to form on the bottom, deglaze with your white wine, scrape the crust, and add the cooked lentils. Stir all the goodness together. If necessary, adjust moistness with some water if the concoction looks too dry; think of risotto.
Taste; if good, add chopped tomatoes, let simmer for a few minutes, just enough to allow the tomatoes to warm. Then add Roquette, stir twice and serve.
Top with shave Parmigiana and cracked pepper. Hence B.L.T.